>>>>WARNING<<<<SUPER LONG>>>>>
...but you think YOU are a depressed lil Goth? Take a read, my friend...


I haven't written in very long while.
To sum it up:
My husband and I were robbed four times. They took prescription drugs, money, 3 digital cameras, antiques, my wedding band, two debit cards, a bicycle and something that can never be replaced...my darling daughter, my toy poodle Tiffany.

After not sleeping for five days, looking for her, I was thrown in jail for DUI b/c I was self medicating with Percocet and Xanax and no food and of course blazing insomnia, anxiety and stress.

After I made bail (goddamn, I sound like such the scum of the earth), the bitch that stole our shit accused ME of stealing her Roxicette (for those who don't partake in opiates, these are Oxycontin that come in 15 and 30 mg.) and $150. I will take a lie detector on this. I didn't take her stuff. She also lied to my husband about a plethora of shit I won't get into but I stand by my word and NONE Of what she said was true. In fact, it was OUTLANDISH-LY NOT TRUE!!!

Jail traumatized me and so did losing Tiffany so I had to be carted straight of to the mental ward. Otherwise, I WAS GOING TO KILL MYSELF. No fucking around this time. I stayed up there for 6 days and got absolutely NOTHING out of it except a $25K bill that insurance BARELY covered, medication I can not afford, and a Psych Doc that was convinced I was selling my Percocets and Xans. Never have I done that. I have abused them, yes. Sell the, NO. I need those motherfuckers. The Fucking Nazis almost convinced me to go to State funded rehab...not the kick ass California dreamin' shit you see on Intervention. This shit is like JAIL. You WALK three miles back and forth to classes everyday in the rain, snow, tornados and hurricanes and whatever else the fucking weather throws at your junky ass. You can't have ANY meds...not even worthless anti-depressants. AND I have a chronic pain condition, agoraphobia and severe panic disorder. This place wasn't for me. 12 steps wasn't for me b/c I am Pagan. Fuck THAT.

So, I come home more depressd that ever. I was clean for a total of two weeks (trust me, you don't ever want to kick off opiates in jail, you'd rather slide down a jagged rusty razor blade on your blistered ass) but I did it, goddammit it. I then got back on the shit, but did it right. I did what my Doc told me to do and took my meds correctly. And that is due to them giving me the right dose, instead of severely undertreating my pain and anxiety.

Ah, and before this, my Husband and I decided to try the Methadone/Suboxone treatment route. They took our money and then told me I was pregnant. Great. The OB-GYN said opiates wouldn't harm they baby just give it mild withdrawal which they could easily treat so we were gonna have it. Give it our all. Hey, there are more fucked up parents than we woulda been. I've miscarriaged 3 times so I kinda figured I wouldn't carry to term anyway and my past miscarriages weren't all that bad. THIS ONE WAS...

We decided to move outta Kentucky and on one of our trips to look for homes and for my husband to decide on a job, I miscarried. 650 miles from home, in my car. The most painful experience EVER.

I wouldn't stop bleeding so I was rushed to the local hospital where they couldn't get me to stop bleeding there either. My heartrate was 170 bpm, my blood pressure was super fucking high and the clots coming out of me were the size of 10 ounce bottles of pops, sorry I know that's gross but it's totally true. The Surgeon gave me a D n C and I nearly died on the OR table. They FINALLY stopped the bleeding in ICU and finally started giving me my Percocets and Xanax as duh, they realized I was withdrawling which was causing the fast heartbeat and high blood pressure. I was apologized like a million times to and begged to stay for observation but after they told me my hemoglobin was normal and I wouldn't need a transfusion, I was UP AND OUT.

I have to stay off my feet for two weeks. Shouldn't be too damn hard. I can piss in a gatorade jug...kidding...I can shit and piss and shower but that's pretty much it. So, at least I can catch up on my art. My wonderful husband finally bought me my Nikon which I'm super fucking stoked over. I can look for jobs that are legit and I can do at home b/c the government expects to work 9-5 like everyone else even though sometimes I can't even leave a corner in my home. I can really start planning on our move. I can do some major catching up with friends and family as I have been wayyy too depressed to fill their lives with my shitty shit. Ah, so many things I can sitting on my ass. Looking forward top it.

The sick, bad, horrific, crazy ass part of the whole pregnancy thing... I was having twins. There were two fetuses. I'm a Gemini and my husband wanted twins if we were ever to have children.

So, I can't answer all your comments, but I will read them and plant them in my heart of hearts. And from now on, I shall reply.
Hope all had a fierce Halloween!

Love:
Q.a.t.f.y